Knob-Slobbing Feminism

Donna Summer: Queen of The Disco Night

May 17th, 2012

ksfem

Donna Summer, Queen of Disco, was a feminist

I was saddened to learn of the death of Donna Summer, one of my favorite music artists of all time. She passed away today at the age of 63, having succumb to cancer.

LaDonna Adrian Gaines was born in Boston in the late 1940s. Her early performing career found her mostly in Europe, performing in musicals and as a back up singer. Eventually, she would go on to score her own record deal and emerge onto the American disco scene. She was the first artist to have 3 back-to-back #1 double albums, an astonishing feat, especially for a female artist. Her music was provocative, which is why I felt compelled to pay homage to her here at KSFem. She sang of sensuality, sexual liberation, kink (dominance/submission), the humanity of sex workers, and women’s ownership of who they are and what they choose to do for themselves.

“Love To Love You Baby” was a sexy song, recorded in a dark studio, with Donna laying on the floor. It was one of the first disco songs released in extended version; it was 16 minutes long. The song contained moans and orgasm simulations throughout. Donna was singing to her lover, begging him to do her good, and she seduced her lover with her erotic moans.

In “Last Dance”, Donna sings “I need you, by me/ Beside me, to guide me/ To hold me, to scold me/ Cuz when I’m bad, I’m so so bad”. *looks over glasses* Girrrrrrrrl. *fans* That was some hot stuff right there. There is definitely a D/s element to this song. she later sings that she isn’t sure if he is “the one” but he might be good enough for the night. You better take control of your sex, Donna!!

Donna was the first Black artist to win a Grammy award for Best Female Rock Vocal Performance for “Hot Stuff”. She sings about how she is horny and is trying to fuck, basically. She calls several people, but can’t make it happen. That shows she had a list… she wasn’t waiting on one person. She wanted a hot sexy lover man to come fuck her brains out and she figured she’d find someone if she dialed enough numbers. LOL. That might seem like some ho shit, but at that time…? That was definitely not something that women were supposed to do and certainly weren’t supposed to sing about it. But she did… unashamed… and took home a Grammy.

Donna The Riveter

“She Works Hard For The Money” was an ode to the humanity of sex workers. I’ve always felt that this song was bold because society dismissing sex workers and demeans them. The assumption is that most are women and women are not supposed to make an income from sexual activity. This song countered that, even encouraging a bit of empathy for the struggle of a woman who “sacrifices” to make the money she can by being a sex worker. The song says “She works hard for the money, so you better treat her right”. “Bad Girls” was about prostitutes and suggested that we ought to think of them as human beings because they’re not much different than the rest of us women. She really shined a light on women who took sex into their own hands, even when it wasn’t the best of circumstances. Right on, Donna!

It’s no coincidence that these songs came out during the rise of feminism and have these feminist themes throughout. I personally feel Donna was taking a stance, musically, in support of women’s liberation, especially in the way of ownership of our bodies and our sexuality. She later became a devout Christian and continued to release music, but never quite achieved the same level of early success. She won 5 Grammys and achieved the bulk of her success in Europe, but she was an American music legend. She was the Queen of disco music and with her passing, we lose a musical gem.

RIP Donna Summer… we salute you!

XOXO,

FJ

The War on Women?

May 9th, 2012

ksfem

Check out my latest video where I talk about various topics, but mainly the different ways in which women have come under attack lately

What Now?

May 8th, 2012

ksfem

I’m at a crossroads.

I have poured many of my thoughts into this blog, my personal convictions and such. I offer strangers advice because I want to help them. I share my recipes because I love cooking and want to help those struggling in the kitchen. I weigh in on women’s issues because I’m a woman with strong opinions about things. I have unique views about what it means to be a woman, especially a woman in relationships and a woman having sex. I just wanted a platform to get my thoughts out.

However, with the increasing “popularity” of the blog and with the more followers I get on Twitter, I’m finding that I’m opening myself up to negativity that I don’t feel I should have to deal with. It is one thing for people to disagree with my thoughts and views. It is another for people to anonymously insult and attack me, on personal levels, because they don’t like me or what I have to say. This is supposed to be my outlet, the place where I can be myself and have my own little corner of the world, but… people have been consistently invading it, anonymously, taking issue with everything and it sucks.

I’m sensitive. I don’t try to act like the whole IDGAF movement of young, emotionally-disconnected folks who grew up without adequate parental love and guidance. I actually have feelings that I embrace and acknowledge. It’s hard when people call me a slut or a whore or a bitch or whatever derogatory phrase they want to come up with because they don’t like what I say or represent. It’s hard when people wish for bad things to happen to me because I make humorous posts about men with small dicks. I mean, I was just joking around. Damn! It’s hard when people threaten to fight me because they think their men are trying to fuck me on the low (yes, this has happened). It’s hard when people attack my friends or are shady towards them because they’re associated with me. It’s hard when my friends feel the burden of being associated with me because of what people say about me. It’s hard when people say I’m doing feminism a disservice or giving it a bad name. It’s hard when people call me ugly or try to insult my weight, or my weight loss, or any other part of my physical nature (which happens weekly, at least). It’s hard when people attack me as a mother and tell me my child deserves a better parent than me.

It’s hard.

Having a blog, being a “popular” tweeter has opened me up to all of that and while I often love being able to engage folks in discourse about things, I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore. I’ve met some amazing people because of this blog and Twitter, and I don’t regret that at all. But maybe it’s time to move on?

I recently finalized my divorce and that’s definitely gotten me to thinking about the next step, relationship-wise. I admit to remaining withdrawn during the process for my own healing purposes and such. But now, I’m like OK what now? And I realize that I’ve been judged and pegged specifically because of this blog and my tweets. I’ve had a few conversations with men and women on Twitter, off line, via email, text, and phone and such and the consensus is basically the same: I intimidate men.

A lot of women claim that. A lot of men reject that. In my case, though, it seems to be the same final analysis over and over again. Of course, the good-natured men that they are, they try to soften the blow by saying “Yeah, but you don’t want that kind of man any way” or “You deserve a man that can handle you”.

Well… duh!

That sounds great, but isn’t it about what people see/experience first. Ask any man whose been involved with me, in any way, I’m the sweetest pussy cat of a woman you can imagine. Have you read the “About” section of this blog?? LOL I stand by the values of this, the basis of this… it is 100% who I am. And yet, I seem to intimidate men. And I’m not playing victim here, because I get it. I totally get it. I’m 6’0 tall. Only 15% of the world’ s men are taller and despite men’s assertions that they’re ok with taller women, statistics say otherwise. I’m large. I weigh 242 lbs. That can be intimidating. I think I look ok physically, but I know I’m not the most beautiful woman on earth. I’m highly opinionated, a deep thinker, and rather blunt (I’m a New Yorker). I wear my heart on my sleeve and I find it hard to bite my tongue. I’m a feminist. That is scary as fuck to most men who have no real understanding what feminism is (and won’t acknowledge they’re feminists themselves, but I digress) and they assume that I’m a man-hating, man-dominating fem-dom who wants to take control over everything.

Couldn’t be any further from the truth. But if you know me, you know that…

So it’s all about first impressions, right? Apparently, my first impression, at least online, is one that discourages the average single male from wanting to do anything other than try me out sexually.

Married/Involved men love me, though. They offer me money, trips, gifts, help with bill payment, want to buy things for my son, etc. Via email. In writing. Luckily, I’m not the type to try and destroy homes, but man that’s risky isn’t it?LOL They are married to women who they claim aren’t fulfilling them in various ways and are seeking some type of healing externally… healing or distraction. My openness, my freedom, my willingness to help people then becomes translated as “Well if I have sex with you, I’ll feel better about my own situation”. I can’t help you by fucking you. I can’t heal you that way. They also think I’m some type of escort. I realize that a lot of sexually “open” women online tend to be, so I see why that assumption is made. I’m not an escort, by the way. Just for the record.

I admit that makes me feel cheap, sometimes. Or maybe not cheap, but just like… is this what that gets me? Asserting myself as a woman who loves sex, wants all women to love sex, wants all men to appreciate women who love sex makes me out to be only good enough to be someone’s side chic? I can’t even lie and say I haven’t played the role and enjoyed it. I’m keeping it 100% here. A friend told me that my sexual openness scares men from pursuing me, legitimately… you know, as someone they might actually introduce to their mothers one day, despite men saying they want freaks in the bedroom. Isn’t that something? Another friend told me men don’t want women more sexually experience than they are. At least not for relationship purposes. Another friend was like “They assume you have a man”. (._. )

Sure, some guys try some things, but they usually don’t work out, almost always because our life circumstances are so vastly different, that closing the gap will be damned near impossible. Or, they mess things up and blame it on “not being ready for a woman like you”. So, basically, the same stuff as the others. I also fully acknowledge that as I get older, it becomes more difficult to find single men in my age range who are compatible with me in most ways. I realize that the exposure I get online is mostly to younger people so immaturity plays a huge role in the responses.

I can now say it is me. It’s not the me they take the time to get to know, because that me almost never gets an audition. It’s the me they judge on the surface, which is still very much me, just not all of me. I’m not interested in denying this side of me for the sake of luring someone in. It will come out at some point; I can’t fake the funk. I am aggressive in most areas in my life, and admit that the submissive kitten must be lured out of her cage. She is there though… waiting to purr.

But this side… this image… is inviting more negativity than I expected, from men and women alike. And… I’m done with that. I’m tired of being attacked for saying everything many people think but fear saying.

I don’t know what to do now and I won’t make any rash decisions. I just want people to stop trying to beat down my spirit because I represent something they themselves fear or resent or wish they could be.

XOXO,

FJ

The Face (Or Body) of Feminism?

April 30th, 2012

ksfem

I am a feminist.

I’ve gotten into discussions in various circles about what it means to proclaim to be such and whether or not, as a Black woman, embracing that label is appropriate. I feel that many Black women embrace “womanism” as an alternative because they feel that White women have co-opted “feminism” and made it non-applicable to women of color. I’m not really here for that. I respect their choices to embrace “womanist” and congregate around the idea of an alternative, though. It’s just not what I see myself doing. I’m not about accepting being “othered” when it comes to embracing a theory that is not based on my race or ethnicity, but rather my personal gender identification. I’m not going to put my head down, walk away, and be content to champion women’s rights under a new moniker that has its own flaws (lack of embracing trans women in the Black community, anyone?). I absolutely have EVERY single right to claim feminism as MINE and call myself a feminist because I believe in the fundamental principals of the feminist movement.

At it’s most basic, bare bones core, feminism represents the rights of women to make their own choices about their lives, without patriarchal co-signature, and be granted equal opportunity and access to institutions and resources in order to be able to follow-through with said decisions. Period. I wrote more about people and their questioning of what feminism is here.

This brings me to the topic of this blog.

I used this picture in my avatar on Twitter:

It obviously drew a lot of attention from all sides. Men and women, alike, praised it for various reasons. Most people who follow me know I’ve been on a weight loss journey for the better part of the last year, and many of my supporters congratulated me on my success, as shown in this picture. Thank you Others expressed lust-filled appreciation. Hey boos! And of course, there have been a handful of folks who disapprove of the photo, not because it’s a bad picture, but because I claim to be a feminist, have the Twitter name “FeministaJones” and I have a provocative picture of myself as my current representation.

I change my avatars a lot. I alternate between face-only pics, full body pics, pics of me at the gym, pics of me in a thong, etc. Why? Because I can. Why can I do this? Because it is MY choice. Some argue that these types of images represent what feminists have been fighting against for decades. Is that so? Maybe I didn’t fully read through the Feminist Handbook, but I didn’t know there were specific codes about how we are to publicly present ourselves.

But I’ll bite.

If there are standards that determine the way a self-proclaimed feminist should present herself, what is it? Should she present in a business suit? If so, should it be pants or a skirt? On one hand, a pants suit might make her appear too masculine but a skirt suit might suggest she is giving into patriarchal standards that mandate women wear skirts. Should she have short or long hair? Long hair tends to make women look younger but one could argue that men equate beauty and femininity with long hair, so wearing long hair is women’s way of substantiating patriarchy. But if a woman wears it short, is she trying to appear masculine? Is she trying to be one of the guys or be better than the guys? And then what about make up? Some argue that wearing make up means you don’t accept your natural beauty and are giving into patriarchal standards of what “pretty” is.

What’s the code? Where are the lines drawn?

How much of what we as women do in our every day lives in presenting ourselves comes from some patriarchal mandate and how much of it is purely our choice? Better question: who gets to make that determination? Me? You? Society?

Some would say that because I’m not White, I can’t be a real feminist, or maybe because I’m not a lesbian, or maybe because I absolutely do not hate men. The ways in which we define and apply labels is always fascinating because we do so in ways that suggest ANY of us have absolute authority to make such determinations.

How amazingly grandiose of us!

Here’s what I will say… once again. We all have choices to make. Thankfully, some women and men have been fighting very hard for a very long time to ensure that you and I have the freedom of choice. We have the freedom to express ourselves in ways that we are most comfortable with. If in our expression of ourselves, and the connections with make in the form of embracing certain labels or titles, we are challenged as being contradictory, that is fine. People are entitled to their opinions, which I welcome here and am open to engaging in productive discourse.

To simply chastise me, or others, as not being real feminists or to question my embrace of the “movement” because I have a provocative picture of myself on display is, well, simple. Say more. Tell me why it is wrong for a feminist to present this way and offer me clear suggestions of how I should present myself. Let’s have a discussion about it.

And try to do so without bringing up the fact that I’m a mother. I know that’s the “go-to” argument for many of you. You don’t want me to AGAIN go into the control many of you think you have over the lives of mothers, now do you?

XOXO,

FJ

Ask Feminista: Pussy Recovery

April 27th, 2012

ksfem

**If you need advice with relationship or sex issues, email me ksfeminism@gmail.com with “Ask Feminista” in the subject heading**

Dear Feminista,

I’m new to your blog. Regular Dude I suppose but I have a
question. How do you get over the bomb ass pussy? They say it’s a
myth but I disagree. I’d say I’ve been with between 20-30 women in my
life. Giving a range but thats not the point of this email. I was
dating a woman about 10 years my Sr. about 3 years ago. (I’m 26 now.)
I’m happy in the relationship I am in these days and I have a
wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful down ass chick by my side. But
she doesnt make me cum like the woman I was once with. She doesnt
moan, or make those love faces. But lets say I’m hitting it from the
back and I’m the one putting in the work. It still isnt as good.
Since the last time I slept with the older woman I am speaking of, I
have been with a few different women but none compare to what was in
that woman’s pussy. There is no residual emotional feeling there
whatsoever but I do miss that cat. Just your thoughts and opinions
would be great. I’m assuming it was a mental thing because she 5 7,
125 pounds, firm, very pretty. I was very attracted to her. I’d say
my new girlfriend is much more pretty but in a different way. With
the older woman I had to concentrate not to cum. My new girl friend… I
come every once in awhile. I could literally last forever. Anyways,
done ranting but just some feedback would be great.

Thank you for writing!!! Welcome to KSFem

I think we all have that ONE (or four) absolutely AMAZING lovers that we can’t seem to shake the memory of from our brains. Something that person did shook us to our core and rattles our spines. It seems like nothing else will compare to the way they put it on us, right? Right. And you know what? Chances are that no one else will ever be able to duplicate that. But listen to what you said; you have no residual emotional connection to her at all. So the sex, while amazingly off the charts, means nothing in the grand scheme of things. You’ve admitted that your current girlfriend is great in so many of the ways that you seem to value, right? I’d consider your thoughts and reminiscing about the other woman mere distractions from what is important. If you were able to go on about your business, occasionally having flashbacks, you wouldn’t be writing for advice. Clearly, this is something bothering you on a deeper level. If you’ve retained anything reminiscent of her, like pics, get rid of them. Delete her number. Don’t follow her on Twitter or stay connected via FB. You’re in Pussy Recovery right now and you gotta go cold turkey, bro. It’s time.

I don’t think people need to try and forget past great lovers, so long as those memories are not negatively interfering in your current situation. What I would advise is talking with your current girl about exploring new things sexually, trying to get her to take more chances with you so that you can maybe duplicate the experience you had with the other woman OR simply just make your current sex life better.

Accept that no one will compare to the other woman but also recognize that she does nothing more for you than make your dick hard. You’re happy now, right? Send your new girl to my blog and maybe I can help her with some of my posts and videos

XOXO,

FJ